I love my job (most days) – I work for an amazing company filled with fantastic people that truly care about both my personal and professional success. Competitive compensation, room to grow and great benefits that alleviate the worry of how we will pay to have Genevieve treated and seen by the best doctors in the world.
Sounds pretty good, right? Except that I work – and I work a lot. Hours in traffic getting to where I need to be, hours in the dealerships going from place to place and frequently more hours at home catching up on E-Mails and working on reports and projects after H&G go to bed. This is what I do – some of it self-imposed as I am a perfectionist when it comes to meeting presentations and designing training classes.
All of this leads to the fear of being the bad mommy. Missing Harry receiving the “Kindness” award at school because there is a work event that I cannot skip – thank goodness for smartphones so that I could catch the replay at night. He is feeling a little lost with all the attention being given to Genevieve and I am not sure that I am doing enough to see that he also knows that he is loved and special.
Fear of being the bad mommy because when the school nurse calls to say Genevieve is in her office complaining about leg pain in the area of her catherization, I talk my daughter into staying in class for the rest of the day. She has missed 3 days and will miss many more when she has her surgery. I need her to be in school now if she can. Thankfully, I guessed right – she was calm on the phone, exuded a bit of the sass and attitude that I have come to know when she just doesn’t want to do something. She was fine to go back to class and stayed the entire day and for the afterschool program. I did give her the “out” – if you can’t, then go back to the nurse and she will call me and I will immediately come and get you. Oh, and if you are in too much pain to stay in school then we will be off to the doctors to be checked out – she was not too crazy about that idea but did throw out a defiant, “FINE – let’s go to the doctor!” It was the mother daughter battle of wills – I won this time. My Genevieve is tough, was able to go back to her 2nd grade classroom and ultimately had a fun afternoon of learning with her friends.
I am fortunate that my friends and family frequently remind me that I am a good mom. These feelings of doubt do not come from the outside but from deep within myself. The constant juggling act – my life is a Lexus slogan – “the relentless pursuit of perfection” in everything that I do.