Genevieve’s surgery is being delayed a week. From January 14th to the 20th. On the surface, it seems like it should be no big deal. One week later, one more week of school, dance class, CCD and regular activities. So, do I believe that these things happen for a reason? I don’t know. My faith has been rocked to its core and I have no idea what I believe. This is all a rollercoaster and every time I think that I have got it covered, that I have started to restore some balance . . . something happens – tremendous highs and intense lows.
Chaos. Despite the sleep deprivation, I was doing great this morning. On top of my “must-do” list at work, I was on the phone with the doctors and insurance company working out the referrals and E-Mailing back and forth with the school regarding at home tutoring. The ultimate multi-tasker, I had it covered. Then the mysterious Iris from scheduling at Boston Children’s Hospital threw a rock in my pond.
It is the ripple effect – moving her surgery just one week (of course, that is assuming no other delays, no more critical cases and a perfectly healthy child) disturbed the calm surface of my life. More phone calls to the insurance company, the pediatrician, the school, my boss, my parents . . . working my way back through the list changing the dates. Is it a big deal? Probably not. In the grand scheme of things, we will get it done. What choice do we have? We always get it done.
It is the emotional ripples that I am struggling through. It takes every bit of my energy to get out of bed in the morning, put a smile on my face and get through the day. Blinking back the tears multiple times a day. Finding the strength to be reassuring to Harry & Genevieve and to believe it will be okay.
While I am sharing our journey publically, I write for me. Some of it is not pretty, happy and optimistic. It is angry, fustrated, dark, sad and overwhelming. I can feel myself disconnecting and shutting down tonight. I thought I was on top of things, that I was doing well . . . and now I am not.
No apologies – just me.