The constant mantra has been “we’ve got this”, “she’s got this” or some variation of it. Reassuring the world and ourselves that we will get through this – the this being Genevieve’s surgery. That everything is under control. I accept the hugs from friends & family, smile and tell them that we are doing well and have it all together. Honestly? Right now, I am struggling and I would like to hear it in return. I need that boost from someone telling me that “yes, you have got this” because I am not so sure.
Dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s – insurance referrals are done, conversations with the school psychologist, the Child Life services at Boston Children’s Hospital. We have a plan for her pre-op day and admission the next day. We have been making Christmas – the house is decorated, shopping is done and presents are being wrapped. These are all the things that I feel completely in control of. . .
It is everything else that weighs on my mind. As I cross things off the list and have a moment to myself, the doubt creeps in – there are dark thoughts that I am just not ready to put into words. Things that I know no one wants to hear aloud, but it is still there rattling around in my head. Being in control is lonely and I am not sure that I am appreciating the holidays and time with my family.
Am I supporting Genevieve emotionally? What about Harry? Have I done everything that needs to be done, everything that I can do to make this situation a little easier for them? When do we tell her the date of her surgery? Should she even know that she will be having surgery in just over a month? Is this too much of a burden on a young mind? That ship has sailed, she cannot un-know it at this point. So back to the rest, am I just screwing up and scarring my children for life?
Despite all the research online, conversations with other parents and with the experts that work with children like Genevieve daily, I really feel like I am just winging it. Following my heart and praying that I am not making too much a mess out of what is already a difficult situation.
So, do I have this? I really hope so.