When it is quiet, I begin to feel lost. This is when the tears well up in my eyes, my heart starts to race and the anxiety sets in. I am paralyzed, focused only on what could go wrong as her surgery date gets ever closer. This is when I start to shut down and start building those walls to isolate myself from the world. I know what I do when I am in pain, just not sure that I am self-aware enough to prevent it.
At the moment, the only thing that seems to work is to just keep going. Doing my impression of Dory from Finding Nemo, “just keep swimming”. Play dates, lots of coffee, an endless list of work projects, plans with friends for both myself and for Harry & Genevieve. My calendar between now and January 27th is as full as it has ever been.
After the children go to bed, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the quiet. This is when it becomes difficult to just keep going. This is when I struggle to find something to keep my hands busy. Facebook, Words with Friends, Candy Crush and this blog help some. Focusing on upcoming projects for work with Outlook, Power Point and our CRM open on my laptop provides some distraction. Messaging friends back and forth prevents me from building the walls too high.
When I find myself alone and can feel the panic start to set in, I find myself drawn to lists. I find peace in planning. I have packed and repacked my own bag for the hospital almost a dozen times. It is me in a bag . . .
My amazing hand-made heart bag from my cousin Mark and his wife Cara. A novel because Al has a talent for finding books for me to read. Although I love my Kindle app, sometimes you just need to physically turn pages and a coloring book from my friend Jen to keep my hands busy. Slippers with non-skid bottoms to walk the halls, my Keep Collective necklace designed by my friend Amanda to represent healing, strength, protection and love. A notebook to jot down questions and information from when they do rounds and perhaps most importantly, a pack of Kleenex. I know that it is okay to cry and when I am done, I will wipe away the tears and just keep going.