Instead of resolutions, many of my friends are selecting a word for the year – something to focus on, to embrace, to live by and perhaps to instill change for 2016. I have thought a lot about whether or not I have a word – a handful come to mind . . . blessed, hope, pray, peace. There are other words that I don’t want to focus on . . . struggle, sleeplessness, pain, fear, wrecked.
Recently, “enough” keeps popping up in my life. So, perhaps that is my word for 2016.
I have had “enough” – there are many vivid moments over the past few years where both professionally and personally, I may have backed down and sacrificed more than what was necessary. Moments when I should have put my needs first – or at least not last.
Then there are moments like today where I question whether or not I am a good mom and if I am doing enough. There are days when finding the balance between work and being able to attend school events like award ceremonies or concerts is difficult. Knowing that I will be taking time off of work when Genevieve has her surgery in a few weeks has caused me to focus more on my job now. Projects that I need to complete so that I can be present for her with a clear mind.
There are only so many hours in a day and decisions need to be made. While my children always come first, there are times when that means choosing my career so as to have health insurance and a paycheck for all that they require. I strive to make the most of our time together outside of work. Making memories.
Yet, I still fall victim to those moments of doubt. Did I choose right this time? Am I doing enough? Will they look back and see that it was always for my Harry & Genevieve and that I did my best? Will my best be good enough?
I am teary eyed from all the amazing support from friends and family and the constant reminders that they think I am a good mom, that Genevieve will be fine and that we are doing right by Harry and not letting him get lost in the shuffle. Still, I believe it needs to also come from within – so for 2016, I want to be enough. I need to remember that I am only one person, that I am doing all that I can and that it IS enough. Not perfect, maybe not everything but enough. Is it as easy as saying that I am enough? I wish – if it was, then I wouldn’t need to find and focus on my word.
Just me – a work in progress, working on believing that I am enough in addition to a number of other things.