The past 24 hours have been difficult. Last night, I typed the words “I am scared that I could lose her” – I am still terrified, that has not changed. This morning, I saw that the amazing Alan Rickman died of cancer. For me, he will always be the wayward husband who failed to see his wife in Love Actually and the man who brought Professor Snape to life in the Harry Potter series. In an earlier post, I shared that my Harry is named for J.K. Rowling’s character. When I heard the news, all I could think was whether or not Genevieve will have the chance to find the magic in the Harry Potter books followed by the wonder of it coming alive before her eyes on the screen. She is only 7 – there are so many experiences that I still need to share with my girl. I cannot lose her.
Today, I wanted to give in to the darkness. It was painful to turn off the ignition and leave the comfort of my heated seats for work. My focus was gone and I wanted nothing more than to return home, crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to text, I didn’t want to communicate – all I wanted to do was hide. Somehow I got through the day including working with a new employee, finalizing the headcount for a workshop next week and analyzing pages of reporting on internet, phone and floor leads for 34 different locations. If bed was not an option, work made for an excellent distraction.
Friends and family made it difficult to give in to the pain as my email and FB page was flooded with Team Genevieve pictures. From as far away as family in Taiwan to the beautiful smiling faces of the girls from Harry & Genevieve’s dance class and past co-workers that became friends joining in.
So tonight – a bit more hiding from the world in a hot bath, with a book and maybe a glass of wine. Tomorrow, I will snap out of it. I have a to-do list at work that is a mile long and a weekend of making memories planned. While still scared, I cannot let the fear paralyze me and prevent me from making the most of every minute.