Here I am – struggling – AGAIN. I can go from completely wrecked to strong and confident in the blink of an eye. From tears and completely exhausted to all smiles and over-caffeinated. I am beginning to think that Starbucks may be a gateway drug. I am sorry to my friends and family as I know this rollercoaster of emotion must be making you crazy, too. So, thank you for not giving up on me. The check-ins, messages, texts, girl’s days out, play dates and phone conversations mean the world to me and help to bring me from the darkness into a place where I actually believe that we can do this.
Today on New Year’s Eve, I am bombarded with the messages of hope as we head into 2016. While I am not one to make a lot of resolutions, I am a planner – I obsessively research and map things out. I don’t need New Year’s Eve to set goals and make plans – any old day will do just fine as I continue to move forward. Always a work in progress and always pushing forward.
Except that this year, I am struggling with it all. My work calendar is as busy as ever with month end numbers, year-end reporting, and meetings with our vendors, goal setting for 2016, training sessions and more. My life calendar is filled with activities like movies (Star Wars – finally – on New Year’s Day), Beauty & the Beast at the Boston Opera House, parties, play dates, dance classes and CCD. I am doing my best to keep busy and make memories that will carry us all through her surgery and recovery. It is the black hole on my calendar that haunts me.
January 27th. Surgery. I know that she will be in-patient for 5 days to a week and then she will be home recovering. During that time, my calendar says only “Harry & Genevieve”. Seeing that my son does not get lost and seeing that my daughter has all that she needs to recover and get back to life.
This is not how I wanted to start my new year. I do not want to place my daughter in the hands of her surgeon and give him permission to stop her heart. I just want to break down and throw an epic temper tantrum complete with foot stomping and screaming obscenities at the universe. It is just not fair said in the adult version of Genevieve’s most whiny voice. So, I am placing the New Year on pause. I would say February 1st except that I may still be sleeping on a blue recliner at my daughter’s bedside as the monitors beep . . . so let’s say March 1st. At that point, I hope to be ready to start 2016 with a healthy family that has returned to our version of normalcy.